I wish I had the words to describe how I feel right now. But I don’t.
I wish I had the the words to say how conflicted. How alone. How lost I feel. But I don’t.
The words I need aren’t here. They aren’t in my vocabulary. And I don’t know how to find them.
I think of Little Bo Peep. She lost her sheep. She was advised to leave them alone and they’d come home. But being left alone is causing me to feel more lost.
I’m not alone. Not really. I have a husband and four kids. Friends. Family. People who kind of get how I feel. But each person only understands a part. No one understands the whole. How can they? They aren’t me.
I’m lost. Confused. Twisted up inside. Torn. Hurting. And there’s no bruise to explain the pain. It’s there. But there’s no tangible reason. It just exists.
Asking me why I hurt so bad is like asking the earth why it’s round. It just is. I just do.
And I wish I had the words to explain it. I wish I knew the reasons behind it. I wish there were words I could use to heal.
My Dr diagnosed me with ‘situational depression’ basically, it means I am depressed as a result of dealing with everything hubs is going through. My Dr is also his Dr. So he knows what he’s talking about.
I don’t know how much of hubs stuff I’ve talked about. But, in a nutshell, he’s dealing with chronic pain, depression, and anxiety. And a year ago he was released from the military with very little support. Two years ago he was suicidal. No one took him seriously. He was told to go back in to the military Dr is the thoughts surfaced again. He just started getting help in the last 6 weeks for his depression.
So anyway. Back to me. I’m battling depression as a result of his problems. My Dr, as great as he is, didn’t feel I needed urgent help. He didn’t feel I was suicidal. I’m not self harming. And my children aren’t at risk. All true facts. So he gave me some numbers for counselling and a prescription. And a follow up appointment.
I called those numbers. No one is taking new patients. Or even assessing anyone. Everyone is on holidays.
I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO.
The clinic hubs sees a psychologist through has a 1 year wait list for spouses. And a 6 month wait for assessments.
Why do I need to be ready to do something irreversible before someone will listen to me?
A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was having a breakdown. I had the worst day I’ve ever had and it was a wake up call.
I acknowledged that I needed help.
This past Monday I went in and seen my family Dr. The wait for the psychiatric evaluation that I agreed to was simply too long for me.
My family Dr and I talked for a long time. By the end of my appointment I agreed to start anti depressants.
I acknowledged that I need help. I am strong for it. I am not weak for needing help.
I’m going to keep telling myself that until I believe it.
The stigmas around mental health are dragging me down.
I seen a post today that a ‘friend’ made to Facebook that stated if a mom needs to be medicated to control her mental health she is unfit as a mother.
It wasn’t directed to me. But it hurts. I am doing this to be a better mother to my children. I am doing this to achieve consistency in my moods. I am doing this so I can enjoy them. I m doing this to be the best me I can be.
I am not doing this for attention. I am not doing this to imply my life is harder and I am not doing this because I am weaker then you.
I am doing this because I need to. Because I acknowledge that I can’t do it alone. And because I am only human.
The stigma around mental health is only making things harder for people withy mental health issues.
It’s improving, yes. But how about we all stop making uninformed judgements on how fit I am as a mother based simply on a medication?
When I’m having a mental breakdown and feel alone?
Those were my thoughts Thursday. I am so glad my husband stepped in to help me. I agreed to go for a psychiatric evaluation. And discuss anti depressants with my Dr when I see him next week.
We also started using this scale thanks to a friend:
On Thursday I was a 1.5. On Friday a 4. Saturday an 8. Sunday a 6. Monday a 7. Today was a 6. I don’t mind averaging a 6 or 7. I can cope. And it makes it so much easier for me to tell my husband what kind of day I’m having and he can better figure out what kind of help I need.
I take on my depression day by day. And I am hoping to post more and more about it here. I want to take down the walls of shame I feel. Take down the walls I use to hide myself from the world. I want to heal. To be the best me I can be.
this post is going to sound Whiney. I’ll warn you now.
Today is ‘national best friends day’ all over Facebook Ive been seeing posts about it.
I’ve been busy with the kids so I haven’t posted my own. But I have a few minutes now and I decided to pop into Facebook and write a quick post.
But some of the people I was going to include have written theirs. And I’m not included in any of them.
My feeling are hurt. It’s stupid. But I’m legitimately hurt by this. My NB friends don’t include me and my MB friends and I aren’t super close yet.
I’m spending my day exhausted and stressed and bordering an anxiety attack because my kids aren’t listening and the acting out is ridiculous. And now I realize I don’t really have any close friends. I have hubs but even he’s so (understandably) wrapped up in school he doesn’t hear me.
I’m surrounded by people but I’ve never felt lonelier.
…. To feel like I’m not drowning
Why does it seem to come easy to everyone else and I struggle? Is everyone else just better at pretending or is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I just shut my brain off and stop asking myself questions that I can’t answer?
I think I am going to go back to my old blog. And still blog here. This is going to be my blog about me. Where things don’t need to make sense. That can be my sunshine blog about life and babies and be free from my depressive ramblings. Because both sides are part of me. And I need to acknowledge them both. But they don’t coexist well.
Sometimes I feel like depression is kicking my ass.